BE: Parents and Love

I am dedicating today's missive on parental conflict to my parents who are together today, but in another country. Even though I am not with them and they don't celebrate Thanksgiving or really understand it, I know they are thinking of me and turkeys and mashed things. My parents are the greatest remote parents on earth. This is me, giving thanks, while I talk about the anxiety and conflict that their mercurial love and poor judgement cause me every day. Having said that, my parents are the best parents anyone in the world could ask for. Not just parents, but my best friends, my karma doctors, my essence. Below is a conversation I had with Sanjay Witherspoon, who teaches ancient parental conflict resolution philosophy in his awesomely decorated yurt in Shoreditch.

Question: SW, why is it that our parents can bother us so much, even as adults, by just being there for us?

SW: This is the wrong way to ask this very important question. The correct way to ask it is, why, as a pre-born spirit, you choose parents whose very existence would drive you crazy. This is the question. Any other way of asking it shifts the blame to someone else. And, it is important as a child, to stay true to the idea that you are the center, the core and all things start with you. If they drive you crazy it is, in the end, your fault. Or your mother's.

Question: If all things start and end with me, the child, why do they result in withering exchanges when all I want is world peace?

SW: Do you? Do you really want world peace? Or, is your quest one of holistic unification with the womb? Something you can achieve only through systematic vedic annihilation of the parent as other. In a peaceful way, of course. If you can recognize that your parents are on the same quest in a never ending infinite path of parental conflict and irresolution then you can come closer than they have to achieving your goal.

Question: What?

SW: If you can recognize that your parents are on the same quest in a never ending infinite path of parental conflict and irresolution then you can come closer...

Question: Nevermind. But, where does it end? Do I exist in a penumbra, consigned to always labor as a child to understand how my parent's ineptitude will affect my diet and my skin?

SW: Diet and skin are the most important facets of your relationships with your parents. These things are not negotiable. Emotional instability, episodic depression. These you can live with. If you cannot maintain healthy diet and skin the right course of action is to walk away.

Question: Walk away. This is one of the core tenets of your philosophy, but it is easier said then done. I tried to walk away last night but after my parents yelled at me and then at each other I had to stop in my tracks. The shift from their yelling at each other to yelling at me was startling. I realized that who they were yelling at made a huge difference. I mean, I really don't like it when they team up and yell at me. Where does it end?

SW: In the fetal position.

Question: Is that a yoga position?

SW: No, it's the actual fetal position: a tightly wound ball of infantile immobility and insecurity.

Question: Could we make it a yoga position? Because then I could wear my friend Stella M's new line of not-too-pricey-if-price-is-no-object line of yoga clothes sold at the Gap.

SW: I suppose so.

Question: If my parents wear the same clothes will it make us feel better?

SW: Maybe, but it's doubtful.

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. Kayahaleh.

SW: Kayahaleh.

Go: Mobile Munchies

I worked on September 5th, 6th and 7th this year and had the great fortune of finding super yummy lunches on all three days . As we all know, finding a mid-day meal that is healthy and incredible and has its roots in poverty can be really difficult. However, tucked away on the side streets of exclusive or safely edgy major metropolitan neighborhoods are a new generation of mobile, high-end peasant food purveyors! The city food scene has taken to les rues! In Prii, of course!

Locanda Tokyo
New York, NY
Locandatokyo@twitter for daily locations

As some of you many know, even though I’ve chosen to live in a MUCH older city, I’m a born-and-bred New Yorker. I think, if I could have when I was younger and in NY all the time, I would have eaten lunch at this mobile seaweed salad truck every day. This is the best seaweed salad I’ve ever eaten and, believe me, I’ve eaten A LOT of seaweed salad. Don’t forget to ask for the wholeness and wellness side order of bread. Did I mention, it’s got an old-school vibe?

God and Mammon
Los Angeles, CA
Godandmammon@twitter for daily locations

If you can imagine an imaginary place decorated to look like a real place meant to look imaginary, you could easily be thinking of this fantastic restaurant. The best gumatoma clams are served with a stunning cornucopia of fresh ersatz Maori side dishes. But, the homemade thin crust, organic, lactose free, free-range chicken pot pie, my fave, is the coup de culinary grace. The simple slightly-pricey entrees and the freshly-made elderberry extract make this a worthy local favorite. Book in advance on the days you know you have to work.

Cybelline
London, UK
Talk to someone in the know to find location

My heart fluttered the first time I took my best celebrity chef friend to this bodega-cafe on wheels. This ceviche taco restaurant in a discreetly unmarked white van, serves the best and most brilliantly scrumptious ceviche tacos outside of Las Alamandas. (I just learned that Las Alamandas is named after the lovely yellow alamandas flower indiginous to that part of Mexico and the source of a relaxing, all-natural anti-menstrual migraine serum? Who knew?) My friend LOVED it (Cybelline, not Las Alamandas, although who doesn’t love that, too?). Nouvelle Mexican by way of Shoreditch.

More mobile hotspots to come next work work!
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Do: A Better Playdate

Every woman with children knows the pain of finding the perfect play date. It's often the case that the kids get along, but the nannies or mothers don't. Or, just the opposite. Don't you remember having to play with children you couldn't stand, but had to play with because your moms were friends?

Well, those days are mercifully over! A new service, e-Playdate, has revolutionized my life and will yours, too. For someone like me, who everyone wants to either be or be friends with this service is invaluable. The idea was brought to fruition by Samantha Plummer and Juliette Knopes who were fed up with play dates from hell. Here they are to explain their awesome contribution to mom life:

Samantha and Juliette:
Samantha - The idea came to me one day, when Anjou, my 9 year old, said to me (after I'd spent hours arranging logistics) that she just hated her play date because the other child (who shall go unnamed) had her hair in her face the whole time, even though she was wearing a headband. It was distracting and aggravating to my daughter, whose personal aesthetic is very refined. What a drag! I thought. Wouldn't it be great if I could find friends that she loved looking at while she played? Voila!

Juliette - My epiphany was a bit different. It's all about me. I love accompanying my kids on their play dates. It's an opportunity for both them and me to build life-long friendships. But, that only works if I like the other moms, and recently that hasn't happened. Take the last non e-play date play date that I went on: The kids got along fine, but the other mother and I barely tolerated each other. She droned on and on about something she was reading. Of course, we set a good example, and were unfailingly polite, but I'm sure she felt just like I did and was thinking "Oh My God, I'm frittering away my life talking to this idiot!" I mean, her shoes were scuffed in places, up near the toes especially. I told S about it and she shared Anjou's experience and we were off to the e-playdate races.

Samantha - It works pretty much like a dating service. You sign up and create three profiles: yours, your nanny (ies) and one for each child that you want to arrange playdates for. The profile is broken up into some basic areas of interest: fashion, skin care, residential square footage, types of exercise and sports, vacation preferences, ashram preferences, charitable causes, allergies, working experience, if any. Of course, the standard demographics like race, ethnicity and household income and weath are there, too. Geography is available if transportation is relevant (no airplane, for example, or horses).

Juliette - The results are amazing because of the granularlity of your selection options. You can specify whether you or your nanny is going to be the primary play date adult and whether you will go on play dates where the other mother isn't present but the nanny is. In a situation like that, it's really nice to know if the nanny speaks English or has a doctorate (of course, from another country, so it doesn't really count, but it's nice to know.)

You can sign up for e-Play date at http://www.myeplaydate.com/.

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Make: Tasteless Treats

This week we bring you the delightful Meredith Ethrington and recipes from her mecca of taste-free, texture-full cuisine: The Sandpaper Puffpastry Bakery! Time to sing a vegan ode to these clue-free treats and get down, or something like that. Spoof Gwyneth Paltrow GOOP.

POOG: Meredith, how long have you been making tasteless, gravelly but beautifully decorated and (mostly but not entirely) sugar and dairy-free baked good? What inspired you to take up the mantle of this worthy culinary cause?

Meredith Ethrington: You know, I didn't pick this route. It picked me. It was a kind of intestinal destiny. In 2003 I had six months of just DREADFUL diarrhea (which is SO hard to spell, but SO easy to get) and unbelievable gassiness. My doctor broke the news: stop eating. I explained that I LOVE eating and she conceded that if I ate cardboard-like foods I would improve significantly. It was a sad moment because I LIVE for food that tastes at all. But, I decided to embrace the necessary changes. The first time I went to the food store was disorienting. Usually someone else does it for me. But, once I got used to being there it was just, well, it was annihilating. If something was white, it was probably tasty. If it was green, it was filled with air and chloroform or something like that. If it was red, it either once lived or maybe grew on something. And, if it was packaged in plastic, well, you just can't do that anymore. I thought - why can't I find something scratchy and buff-hued with textural hints of mocha that was wrapped in a stiff, pleated ivory recycled thingy! It is really that hard? So...I did it and I thought I should share my Gastric Epiphany with the world. It took 6 weeks, but The Sandpaper Puffpastry Bakery was born in those six weeks.

POOG: What has the result been? What positive outcomes have come out?

Meredith Ethrington: Well, I've always been rail-thin and now I'm positively skeletal. It's been a great side effect of taking everything out of my food. You really don't have to diet when you take this approach. It's a lifestyle and if you follow the one rule, eat dirt, then you don't have to remember a bunch of silly little ones or count calories. And, since you're generally too weak to exercise you never have to do that either. I am just exceedingly cautious about letting any color creep into my food at all.

POOG: What are your to-die-for ingredients?

Meredith Ethrington: Well, my top ingredients would be berrit oil extract (it's really high in florid acid, stimulates the amygdala minor and can create almost the same taste as butter without the taste), guava skin (I prefer guavas from Costa Rica because it's nicer there then some other places) and Ray's Gluten/Sugar/Dairy/Chlorophyll/Salt-Free Powdery Filler (my whole Bakery would cease to exist without this miraculous substance). You can get all of these at a local health store or online.


POOG: How did you make your recipes? I mean, no one's done this before, right?

Meredith Ethrington: You know, many people have tried this at home, but haven't really capitalized on the availability of these ingredients in the way I am. My recipes were hard to come up with because people like things that taste good. It's a downside of evolution and there aren't many of those, so that's hard to grapple with on a daily basis. Because, I believe heart and soul in evolution. Especially in a spiritual mind/food/body way, from an Asian perspective, via Brooklyn and Brixton in the late 90s. But, I put myself on the mad culinary steeple chase and I had to move forward.

POOG: Is frack sugar-free? I know EVERYONE thinks that and are wrong. Maybe you can clear that up.

Meredith Ethrington: Frack is not glucose free. It's a genetic antecedant to cane. Sometimes people can digest frack however, but still not eat sugar. It's white. Even when it's brown.

POOG: Are there any especially thrilling recipes you're working on? Variations on old classics. As you know, I love El Soya Marzipanito Preservados faux Little Debbie Raisin Cakes, do you think we'll ever have a taste-free version of the real fake one?

Meredith Ethrington: I just made a version of these the other day! It was terrific, because the original was already kind of a brown/oatmeal color, I just had to find a way to get the yellow out. I LOVE El Soya Marzipanito Preservados marizipan reproductions of processed foods! It's my goal to improve on them by making foods that look like them, but have no taste at all. When I announced that I had made a fat/sugar/gluten/butter/dairy/taste free version of El Soya Marzsipanito Preservados Litte Debbie Raisin cake in the bakery every started shrieking, but in a tasteful way. One woman on 78th and 5th even slipped out of her yoga class early to try one. Luckily, everyone adores them and some people even say that it's the best thing I've ever done. "Qui sais?" as they say in Locust Valley!

GET: Fall Fashion and You

Last month, I secured the help of a new friend, Jennifer Milly, the Fashion Editor (and now Contributing Blogger) of Vain and one of the best dressed, pre-pubescent looking women I know. She helps me get dressed every day by using her discerning eye to create trends for fall that will work every fall until 2010, when she'll come up with new ones.

Jennifer Milly shares:

Here is my stylating list of Fall (pout) and Winter (double pout) trends for 2009/2010. Since I'm really already thinking about Fall and Winter of NEXT year, what I'm about to describe will smack of the passe, but to you every single stitch will feel bright and shiny new. It's coming to me now...this year's trends that speak to what you can do everyday to be fashionlicious. Just remember: Be true to yourself, but not too true.

Reptilian Intergalactic It Girl: Remember those shoulder pads that your mother still wears? Well, as they say in the fashion world, what comes around goes around. My life would not be complete without Alexander Wang ribbed leggings (just $425!) topped by my genuine anaconda-lined Z-zipped Club Monaco jacket (shoulder pads included, of course). Top it off with your retro, over-the-top headband hair bow and you're good to go this October!

Girly Girl Diva: There is no such thing as too much flounce this fall. Some fashionistas might say "Don't Do This At Home". I say, "DO!" As my father to said to me on my 11th birthday, "You're MY little girl, but now you're the world's and don't ever forget it!" When you add layers of pouf to a simple, every day skirt the whole world stops to stare. My favorite: D&G patent leather crinoline underskirt ($1225) - goes from carpool to cocktails. I wish I had a picture.

Sex Slave: We all know bondage comes and goes, at least as far as fashion is concerned and this year is no different. Boots, belts and bows are all the rage and no Fall and Winter 2009 wardrobe is complete without at least one nod to the dominatrix in all of us. Take your pick: over the knee leather boots or velvet neck collar, it doesn't matter. What matters is making carpool memorable: after all, that part of your kids' life is just a small part of yours, why not make it something they remember fashion-fondly,

Helmut, Krina, Nicholas, Brian: designers that I HAVE to mention. If you don't know them, you should. Now you know their names at least. Their designs, fitted, baggy, shaggy, tapered, it doesn't matter are elegant on any woman (not literally of course), whether she's on the red carpet or the kitchen floor.

I only buy my leather at Annbelle Bespoke Newton-Smythe's (yes, that is actually her middle name - how cool is THAT!) whose lovely little store is just off Sloane Square in London. You can't do that, but I thought I'd mention it.

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MAKE: Bimbobop

It's irresistible. Bimbobop, which roughly translates into "silly women's food," is essentially a rice bowl that you can fill with medium grain taupe coloured rice and obscure vegetables that someone told me are good for you. It's a great way to use food that no one else particularly likes. The key is the GALO - Glutinous Asian Liquidy Oleo (GALO) that holds it all together.

Serves: 4 (if two people don't really eat)
Time: More than you have, but I'm OK with that

Ingredients
4 1/2 cups of medium grain taupe coloured rice
3 tablespoons GALO* (see above, usually I try and make this myself, but you can find it in specialty stores)
Blukoko and Celery Pinko
Roughly 16 3/4 cups worth of flummy root, blanched anise bulbs, sauteed mini squash with seeds shaved out, ginger and garlic grown in a sandy loam and, if you are able to find it, aged kimchee powder
1 firm block of firm basil-infused polenta, shaved into roughly 80 slices
2 tablespoons of tasted, husked sunflower seeds for garnish

*If you haven't used them yet, you should get the excellent measuring spoons that I use - they are ceramic and made in Monaco by a small women's cooperative.

Layer your rice bowls with the shaved polenta and rice three times (as you would a lasagna). Allow the two people eating to add the remaining ingredients in any way that makes them smile. Garnish with sunflower seeds!! Voila!


Virual video produced by Merrell Cherouny
Music would be by I'm So Fine

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