Thursday, June 18, 2009

GET: Gentle Leeching

One day, when being bled by a German hirudineanist in my glorious New York loft, an Italian friend came in and commented that I had the beautiful pallor of a late medieval/early renaissance woman-child (you know, the ones that were confirmed as saints due to inedia and anemia). I assured her that even though I was covered with blood-sucking parasites, I was faring better than those unfortunates who, after all, never had the chance to experiment with tofu recipes and were sometimes burned at the stake.

In order to dispel the enduring bad reputation of blood-letting, I asked Helga Schmidt-Simmons, my personal leecher, to explain the remarkable benefits that can accrue not only from a regular blood letting, but even from the periodic application of well-hidden baby leeches just prior to special events. (Remind me one day to fill you in on the juicy details of the time that I strategically used my small jar to ensure that my skin tone and elasticity were ideal for a photo shoot in Figi.) Don't get me wrong, there is a time and place for the use of this holistic technique and it's not everywhere, anytime (some would say "Never." but I humbly beg to differ and have the skin to support my position.)

Here's Helga on Phlebotomy:

I am a modern practicioner of the ancient and much maligned art of blood letting and have my own private practice in major world cities and some smaller, exclusive ones. I am always in a healing mindset. There is no healing that I won't undertake because I adore healing.

I am fluent in seven languages, including being able to read latin backwards. I attended school in Pisa and then completely my studies in Salt Lake City, which most people don't realize is the world-wide center for blood drawing. In addition to completing my PhD there, I was featured in a documentary about ancient horses and their migration from China. Although this may seen irrelevant, it's not.

Here, I hope to give you a clear picture of the sanguinary benefits of my particular techniques. Blood-letting techniques are based on the belief that the bodies humors guide it's health. Therefore food is very important in the overall equation of success because if a leech eats the wrong food it will be in a bad mood, which sucks. Therefore, in my practice, I have focused on making sure that the diet we feed our leeches is pristine and ultimately enchances their efficacy. As such, they are fed a steady diet of fois gras and a protein shake infused with basil. The fois gras ensures elasticity and the protein shake promises strong suction capabilities. The basil is metabolized in such a way that each leech is covered in a subtle sheen of basil oil extruded through the skin, ensuring that, despite the best sucking capabilities there is a smooth and painless adhesion. This is very important to my clients since overt sucking is some times upsetting to them. The dietary-based methodology is the only one of its kind in the world. Our clients are always happy with the results, which include:
  • An immediate reduction of blood pressure
  • A loss of appetite that can last for days
  • An enviable sheen
  • And, lastly, a temporary weakness resonant of long-forgotten Victorian ideals of womanhood

*If any practitioner claims the same feeding techniques make sure that they are actually following through. We have completed a certification process, which includes the Feng Shui requirements, that is extremely rigorous. If you are interested in our checklist please contact us directly at

No comments:

Post a Comment